The Emotionally Unavailable Parent

It’s easy to gaslight yourself into thinking your parents were not that bad especially if the types of abuse experienced were not overt such as physical or sexual abuse. Emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical or sexual abuse due to its invisible scars, long-lasting psychological effects, and manipulative tactics like gaslighting. The relational dynamics create dependency, while societal stigma exacerbates feelings of isolation, making recovery complex and lengthy, often leading to profound mental health challenges.

The point of this investigation is not to blame and slander your primary caregivers but to assist with realisation and validation of certain behaviours and outcomes. To assess your childhood difficulties with an emotional unavailable, check off all the following statements that reflect your childhood experience. If you’d like to fill out the assessment for more than one parent, complete the exercise again.

1.        I did not feel listened to; I rarely received my parent’s full attention.

Have you spent years trying to connect with your parent, only to feel invisible, unheard and exasperated? Communication usually feels one-sided, with them uninterested in reciprocal conversations. Like young children, emotionally immature people crave exclusive attention. If other people are getting more attention, they find ways to draw attention back to themselves, such as changing the subject, interrupting or saying something absurd. For instance, during a holiday in Bali, when I shared my engagement plans, my mother quickly shifted the focus to wanting to get a massage. When I asked if she had heard what I had said she seemed confused and dismissive. Numerous attempts have been made over the years to feel heard, yet it does not register.

2.        My parent’s moods affected the whole household.

Did you find that your parent’s moods cast a shadow over the entire household? Emotionally immature people often create a ripple effect of emotions, leading you to feel responsible for their happiness, resulting in a constant sense of walking on eggshells. They use a method of communication known as social contagion which gets people to feel what they are feeling. This usually results in others doing anything to make them feel better. In this case, the child catches the contagion of the parent’s distress and feels responsible for making them feel better. However, if the upset parent isn’t trying to understand their feelings, nothing ever gets resolved.

3.        My parent wasn’t sensitive to my feelings.

Emotional immature parents are insensitive to their child’s emotions once their own agenda comes into play. This can cause the child to feel isolated, empty and alone in the world. When parents are unable to express or feel uncomfortable with their own emotions, they struggle to hold space and offer support to their children at an emotional level. Some parents may even become anxious or angry if their child gets upset, punishing them instead of comforting them. These reactions shut down children’s instinctive urge to reach out and ask for help.

4.        I felt like I should have known what my parents wanted without being told.

Emotionally unavailable parents often expect you to anticipate their needs without asking. For example, if you bought yourself a chocolate bar, they’d be disappointed you didn’t get them one, or if you made a tea, they’d be upset for not receiving one, despite not asking. This expectation of mind-reading creates a cycle of guilt, leaving you feeling you’ve constantly fallen short. This often leads to prioritising others' needs over their own and becoming hypervigilant to their parent’s subtle cues—a trauma response to maintain peace.

5.        I felt like I could never do enough to make my parent happy.

Emotionally unavailable people have poor receptive capacity. They want others to show concern about their problems but are unlikely to accept helpful suggestions. They pull you in, but when help that orientates around changing their outlook or behaviour, they push away. For example, emotionally immature people often shut down the idea of seeing a therapist as they do not have the insight around them being the problem despite always being the common denominator.

6.        I was trying harder to understand my parent than they were to understand me.

Did you feel that you had to constantly adapt to your parent’s expectations? If you didn’t mirror their emotions or choices, they could become upset or punitive, creating an environment of fear and disconnection. For instance, studying an occupation or dating someone that your parent disapproves of. Those who are extremely emotionally immature may then use threats of abandonment and shaming tactics.

7.        Open, honest communication with my parent was difficult.

If you tried to address issues with your parent, did they become defensive? Unlike emotionally mature individuals, who seek to mend relationships, emotionally immature parents often ignore rifts, lacking awareness of the need for accountability and how to rebuild trust.

8.        My parent expected me to play a certain role and not deviate from it.

Emotionally immature parents often enforce a power imbalance, expecting unwavering respect and obedience from their children, regardless of the circumstance. This sense of entitlement may be expressed through statements like, “I brought you into this world, I can take you out” or “Under my roof, you abide by my rules.” Role coercion can involve shaming or guilting the child for pursuing something the parent disapproves of, such as a particular career, relationship, or faith, or by expecting them to fulfil specific social roles, like being heterosexual or adhering to certain beliefs.

9.        My parent was often intrusive or disrespectful of my privacy.

Emotionally immature parents often see themselves as exempt from boundaries, disregarding the need for personal space. This can show up in behaviours like showing up to your home unannounced or entering your room without knocking, making it clear that your privacy isn’t respected.

10.  I always felt that I was viewed as overly sensitive and emotional by my parent.

If you confronted your parent about their behaviour, they may have dismissed your concerns by labelling you as overly sensitive or too emotional. This dismissal can reinforce feelings of invalidation, making it hard to trust your own emotions.

11.  My parent played favourites in terms of who got the most attention.

Obvious favouritism often points to enmeshment rather than a close relationship. The favoured sibling may mirror the parent’s personality or values, avoiding boundaries and independence. The less-favoured child is usually more independent, qualities that emotionally immature parents often view as distancing and non-compliant.

12.  My parents stopped listening when they did not like what was being said.

Some parents may overtly ignore or dismiss topics they don’t want to hear. More socially skilled parents may act as though they’re listening but avoid asking follow-up questions or showing curiosity, subtly signalling disengagement when they’re uncomfortable with what’s shared.

13.  I often felt guilty, stupid, bad or ashamed around my parent.

Emotionally immature parents often tie their self-worth to how well their child meets their expectations. If they struggle to comfort or control their child, they may feel inadequate or like a failure, projecting this discomfort onto the child by labelling them as lazy, stupid, or worthless. This dynamic can leave the child feeling persistently blamed or shamed, even when they’ve done nothing wrong. For instance, if a parent fears feeling incompetent, they may project this onto the child by calling them lazy, stupid or worthless.

14.  My parent rarely apologised or tried to improve the situation when there was an issue between us.

Emotionally unavailable parents often react defensively when confronted about their behaviour, responding to mild critiques with exaggerated statements like, “I must be the worst parent ever!” or “Fine, I won’t do anything nice for you again!” They shut down communication rather than hear feedback that might challenge their self-image, relying on black-and-white thinking that casts them as either good or bad, with little room for self-reflection or improvement.

15.  I often felt pent-up anger toward my parent that I couldn’t express.

Sometimes children of emotionally unavailable parents feel unsafe to express their anger, guilty about their anger or turn it against themselves. When anger is internalised, people can blame and shame themselves which may evolve into depression or suicidal ideation – the ultimate expression of internalised anger. Feeling angry is a normal biological response to feelings of helplessness caused by emotional disregard as it creates an emotional separation similar to being physically walked out on.

   /15

This questionnaire was plucked from the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to heal from distant, rejecting or self-involved parents” by Lindsay C. Gibson